Is it bad if i am happy in my depression?

i am always feeling as if i have no meaning, no purpose. people talk sh*t about me and i hate it. but i just laugh at them and blow it off. on the outside anyways. on the inside i feel like hurting myself. i feel that i am stupid, untrustworthy, and cannot do anything right. but is it bad if all this makes me happy? the only times i am truly happy is when i am depressed, or crying. i have looked around but found no similar stories. i just need help, but i don`t want to go tell a psychiatrist anything. i would really like to hear from someone who feels the same way, that would be great. thanks for wasting your time on me.